second time around....

 

Did my second annual birthday mudrun recently and had a blast.

I got over the walls that I couldn't the first year, which made me feel amazing!
Plus my girls and I dressed in sassy pink leggings and tops which made us stand out in the crowd a bit. Plus I was the little birthday princess with my tiara
(which PS stayed on the whole time!)

 

We crawled up and over mud hills, through muddy water filled trenches and over cargo climbs.

We got dirty and had some serious fun!

 

The cargo climb is one of the harder obstacles for me, not in a physical way, but rather a mental one due to my fear of heights. I'm working on letting go off the fear & just pushing through it!

 

All in all, I had the very best time getting muddy & silly with my girls and can't wait to do it again soon!!!

 

 

 

games we play

So, I hate the games we as people play.

Not board games which I do adore, but rather the mental or emotional

games we play in our daily lives.

Even if we say we don't like them, or we don't ever do them....we do!

Each time you bite back the comment you wanted to make or agree to a statement when inside you are screaming NO THAT IS WRONG.

We hold back so much that it becomes hard for us to learn to open up in our relationships.

I wish we could all say exactly what we feel and have it be ok, yet there are often good reasons for our decisions to these things.

Often by not saying what is on our mind or how we feel we are protecting the other person.

Telling a dear friend you disagree with a choice she has made is kind of a moot point...it is her life, not yours and each person makes their decisions based on their own beliefs & experiences.

You can offer your thoughts & opinions, but in the end it is always their choice to make.

 

The worst though are the games we play with people with whom we are romantically involved.

We try so hard to protect ourselves emotionally that we hide what we are really feeling.

I personally have my own issues with this.

If I am really interested in someone of the opposite sex I tend to hold back alot, call it a self-protection thing, but I wait to see how much the other person will open up. Part of it is being hurt in the past & wanting to not have that happen again. Part of it is just my own nature of thinking everything through in my mind before sharing it.

The other factor is how tongue tied I can get around someone I am really into.

The funniest things can & do come out of my mouth in spite of what I mean to say...it is like someone else takes over my brain for the moment.

Heaven forbid we talk about feelings or any such thing while naked as I feel exposed in every sense of the word. I so wish I was one of those people who was able to be more free with my words, emotions and body.

I second guess most of these in my relationships with men.

To be honest I don't always think of myself as a good catch romantically

(I make an amazing friend, but I kind of suck at the romantic relationships)

As like most women I am always hardest on myself, wondering what this

 good looking man sees in me?  

or

 I should have gone to the gym more since we last went out!

So often I wish I knew what was going in their heads, but if I am not able to share why on earth should I expect them to do so?

I miss the days of college where I had guy friends to ask questions of when I was feeling unsure in these areas. It was amazing to get the male perspective from time to time.

Now, I have to muddle through on my own and hope I am doing (or saying) the right thing.

 

My new goal is to try to hold back less, try to say what I want and hope for the best.

What do you think?

 

 



did it!

 

Survived my mudrun

To be honest I am still amazed at myself for finishing, even though I walked most it,

I did the whole thing! There where some challenging parts of the course & it is as much a mental push as a physical one.

It would I am sure be ever so much easier if I wasn't carrying around this extra weight!

I saw some pictures that I will use as motivation to keep losing...like the one below.

now let me saw I am SO proud of myself for attempting & completing this endeavor...I proved to myself that I had the strength both mentally & physically to finish this sort of race.

This pic above leaves me with mixed feelings however.

On one hand it was one of the obstacles I was dreading & I totally pushed through my fear of heights & climbed the heck out of that thing!

(hence the hi five my bestie is getting ready to give me)

then there is seeing a backside view of my whole body with clothes clinging to any & all of my extra weight. That is just not a pretty look to me.

There is one after I fell crossing the finish line that is just about the most unflattering angle & pose a person could be in already, never mind be covered in mud that makes me cringe!

 

 

But then I think...so what?

I put myself out there, I did it.

The goal is next year

(oh yes we are doing this again!)

that I will look and perform better!

So, I am going to celebrate even the pics I hate like the couple above as this whole experience made me:

 stronger

more motivated

and more accepting of my own flaws

AND my STRENGTHS!

 

the bottom line is the experience was the best time I have ever had with my best friend

and I can't wait to do it all over again next year!

Who in?



checking in...

Have been quite bad about checking in and keeping my inner fire going on this journey.

So, here goes...have not lost anymore weight...have not done any training for my upcoming run.

in other words I am at a standstill.

looking for some motivation in my daily life, but am focusing on the fact that I have not gained back any weight.

That means I am not losing, but I am MAINTAINING!

Try to focus on the good and push myself harder on getting past this.



june gloom

So, I am settling into my new home quite nicely.
But I have been a bit down about a few things in my life and trying to push through it.
I love my new place, have amazing friends & family, great job and all that! I am just feeling a bit blue....this too shall pass...I have too much to be thankful for to be down for too long.

Just am waiting to be further along in my journey and also be settled into my new home.
That's all...


a bit about me...and why ?

So, the other day someone asked me why this blog had the name it did.

My intention on this blog was to chronicle my journey to becoming the person I want to be in all aspects of my life; health, weight, personal, financial....all of it.

It is a long journey and many small steps will eventually get me to where I want to be, thus the name!

I turned 40 last year and my intention was to go into this decade in a healthier manner.

To do this I have changed my diet by trying to eliminate gluten (though I do occasionally cheat)  limit my dairy & meat intake, while eating more healthy (less processed) food. Over the course of the past year I have lost 30 pounds. Looking to lose another 70 or so. It really scares me to say that I had a total of 100 pounds to lose, but I look at how over the last 15 years I gained weight slowly and never pushed myself hard enough to do something about it. Funny how it takes some minor thing sometimes to hit a breaking point. Mine was seeing how hard it was on other older people in my life who carried extra weight. I decided I didn't want to be them in 10 or 20 years.

I passed weights that I swore I never would and am happy to be passing them on the downward path.

In an effort to challenge myself I signed up for a 5K mud run on my birthday.

Now, I am working on "training" for this and hoping to be down another 20+ pounds at least by then.

In other aspects i moved into a new home which is cheaper than my previous thus enabling me to be able to pay off bills faster and build my saving back up.

On the personal front I am choosing to let go off the non-supportive people in my life and welcome new possibilities  ; )



settling in...

So, I have been in my new place for just about 3 weeks and finally feeling like I am getting settled. The front portion of my home looks amazing, just avoid the 2 bedrooms and it looks as if I have been here for years! Cozy and organized, just a perfect spot.

In so many ways this new place is an upgrade, off the street, upstairs, 2 bedrooms, a bigger kitchen....oh I could go on & on! Can you tell I am happy? I did enjoy my last place, it had neat features and the best bathtub ever! The kitchen though was tiny with an apartment size fridge & oven which made my love of cooking & baking a dream for my time there.

Went shopping at Trader Joe's and stocked up on all kinds of delish food and have already made more meals here in the past month than I did in the past 3 at the old spot.

Heavenly!

Now, off to do a bit of baking before work.