it's my life...so why do I care what YOU think?

I just finished reading an interesting book,

the amazing adventures of dietgirl

by Shauna Reid

www.dietgirl.org

It is written by an Australian woman who made a choice to lose weight and started blogging about it.

At her heaviest she was 351 pounds and the book covers 7 years, 175 pounds and a lifetime of personal body issue struggles.

I read this at a point in my own personal journey that really made me smile and also appreciate her efforts. While my starting point was a pit stop on her journey it is still quite similar to my journey that I am on.

I have never put a number out there.

Part of it is shame, I hate the large number (to me, maybe not to others) that was my highest weight.

Mostly it is that this is for the most part a personal journey.

I am the one that is going through this, others may help through words and support, but the work comes down to me in the end.

I am now choosing to look at the positive things I have achieved so far.

I have lost 31 pounds in the past year, dropping down 2 sizes.

More importantly though I have become a person who looks upon this as a health issue rather than looking just at numbers. It is not just about the weight, the inches, the size...it is about being able to take a hike and not being out of breath.

It is about looking forward to Zumba or BodyCombat.

 Or craving fruit rather than a donut.

It is funny how each time we can gain weight we say this is the highest number I will ever see.

This one is my breaking point and then we go past it...

...and then we do.

I have a magnet on my fridge that says

"My goal weight is what my fat weight used to be"

I used to laugh at that, but my current weight is what I used to call my fat weight a couple years ago!

This is the first time I am putting this in writing for others to see, but that 31 pounds I have lost is only about 25% of what I would like to lose. If I were to try and get down to my ultimate goal I would need to lose a total of 120 pounds.

That is a whole person and it sounds so scary to say I have that much to lose.

I personally would be happy to be within a 20 pound range of my goal, but I still set a low number to try and reach.

I am trying to let go of thinking about what others think, but it is not easy in this society in which we all judge each other so easily.

I am blessed with some very supportive friends and family.

They love me no matter how I look, but they are all telling me that can see me changing into a better me through this.

As one of my sweet friends told me lately that I am gorgeous inside & out.

I liked the compliment, come on who doesn't like those?
I am trying hard to take those lovely words I get from those around me and take them as they are given, in the spirit of love & support.

Now, getting back to the book, one of my favorite things is how she was talking about working out and being the largest in the room.

I have recently gotten a renewed enthusiasm for my gym after a break of a couple months.

This week I took 2 BodyFlow classes, which is a mix of yoga, pilates & tai chi.

Sounds easy right?

Um, not so much.

You see when you are carrying extra weight it makes it harder to do some of those yoga poses.

There is ways to adapt them to be easier which I do and work towards being able to do them in the manner which the teacher & rest of the class do. I look on it as I am there and trying.

I try not to get wrapped up in being the big girl in the room, but not going to lie, it can be tough.
I am sure I am thinking about it much more than any of them are.

I love my yoga, it gives me peace and a sense of strength.

I do look at how easy it comes to some of the others within the class and hate that I am working so much harder to do the same moves.

then I stop and say to myself....girl you are HERE, you are TRYING!

GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT ALREADY!
So, here is my positive words to myself for today...
YOU CAN DO IT!
NOW, GET OFF THE COUCH AND GO TO THE GYM!!!!

Footnote,

this picture is from a hike last month and right when my friend went to take the pic I talked...thus it turning out like this. Honestly it makes me laugh as I look almost disgusted with it all which is far from what I was feeling. I am trying to include some pictures along my journey so we can all see how far I am going...so above is now...and below is from June of 2009. Can you see that 30 pounds that are gone? I sure can!

 

when you stumble, simply get up and start again

So, I have been exceptionally stressed with things going on both in my life and within the lives of my dear friends of late. This has made my routine become quite askew...and not always for the better.

My insomnia has come back with a vengeance and I am lucky to get 5 hours of sleep a night usually falling between 1-6am. Let me tell you there is a lack of quality late night programming considering all the dang channels I have on my TV!

I probably exercised too much last week and not enough this week, though my number on the scale has gone down. I think that has to do more with my lack of appetite in the past few days than anything else, but I am happy to break through the plateau I had been on for the past couple of months. If that is what it takes than OK, I will take it and move forward!

I have a light at the end of my tunnel though in the 4 days off from work I have coming up the first week in April. I get to go see my bestie DK and my mom for a couple of days down south.

I am trying to remember we all go through these tough times and all the ones in the past have made me stronger and a better person in some way, no matter how small.

I am making time for my friends more of a priority as I notice I have a tendency to withdrawal when I am going through things like this....and really this is when you need your friends the most!
I am blessed with great people in my life, both near & far who are there to help me back up as I stumble. Thank you my friends, I do so love you!

a love letter to my friends...

I just don't think we take enough time to tell those in our lives just how very important they are to us.

So, this is me taking a moment to pen a lil love note to some of the most special people in my life.

First off let me say I am truly blessed with some amazing girlfriends. Most of us have one "best" friend. I am lucky enough to have 3 of them...along with some just flat out amazing friends on top of that! 

We met at different stages of life, been through lots of events; both good & bad and I see us being a part of each others lives for decades to come.

I am going to start with my girl DK, who I am known since we were in the 5th grade. We have so much dirt on each other that it is in our best interest to stay friends, but I am not worried about that!

We hit a rough spot a couple years back where due to issues she was going thru we didn't talk for about 6 months. We pushed through all of the emotions to come out of it on the other side even stronger for it.

This is the girl who was there for most of my firsts~ kisses, boyfriends, driving, etc. I had to attend my first funeral the weekend of my 18th birthday. DK didn't know the girl well, it had been a classmate of mine, but she came and sat next to me at the service. Holding my hand and being my driver as I was so overwhelmed with emotion I couldn't do the little things. She knows when to make me laugh or when to make me cry. Blessed with a fabulous spirit she makes me feel better often just by getting to have a phone chat. Sadly we no longer live minutes away, but hours and hours. We live for the times we can get together and have conversations both serious & silly.

She is on my short list of people I know who would drop everything and come be by my side if I needed it and I love her for that.

My girl D is a friend I made in college. Funny enough I was friends with her boyfriend first, yet when they split she & I stayed close. Yet another dear friend who sadly lives miles & miles away, but we cherish our phone chats & the once a year visits. She can be trusted to give me a fresh perspective on a situation and be blunt as only a dear friend can be. She pulls no punches & I adore this about her!

D is my go-to person for relationship advice as she just seems to get the male/female dynamic so much better than I think I ever will. She is fearless in all the best ways. In the past few years she found the best man for her, settled down and created a beautiful little boy who I adore who calls me Auntie Christmas....isn't that the cutest?

My girl AKS is just my rock. I count on her to tell me the absolute truth about anything & everything. When I first met her I thought we would never be friends and 2 decades later she is part of the people I can't imagine not being in my life. She builds me up in so many ways I don't even think she realizes. I am a stronger better person for her being in my life. At the moment she is going through some major life changes and I can only hope to be able to support her as much as she has for me in the past.

In addition to my 3 besties I am also blessed with some just fabulous friends.

SBell is one of the funniest & most honest girls I have been blessed to meet in recent years. We met in a funny way through people that neither of us have actively in our lives anymore, but thank goodness they introduced us! In my time of living in my little shangri-la beach town she was my girlie sanity in a group of guys. We would do sip & bitch nights on my porch & vent about our lives. Watch Heroes & the Oscar's together while drinking champers and enjoying delish sushi. I hate that she moved away, but am so proud of what she has accomplished!

Then there is my A, whose wedding celebration was my fave party of the year last year. She drove me to the doctor when I had to get my biopsy done. She makes me laugh and loves wine as much if not more than I do! She is like family as her hubby is one of my brother's best friends and I am proud to have her be.

There are even more friends I have made in the past couple years through work and mutual friends that I hope in the years to come will become as dear to me as these ladies.

All of these girls are the family of my heart...I choose to have them in my life and am honored to call each of them my friends! Life is good, I am blessed and I love you girls!!!