games we play

So, I hate the games we as people play.

Not board games which I do adore, but rather the mental or emotional

games we play in our daily lives.

Even if we say we don't like them, or we don't ever do them....we do!

Each time you bite back the comment you wanted to make or agree to a statement when inside you are screaming NO THAT IS WRONG.

We hold back so much that it becomes hard for us to learn to open up in our relationships.

I wish we could all say exactly what we feel and have it be ok, yet there are often good reasons for our decisions to these things.

Often by not saying what is on our mind or how we feel we are protecting the other person.

Telling a dear friend you disagree with a choice she has made is kind of a moot point...it is her life, not yours and each person makes their decisions based on their own beliefs & experiences.

You can offer your thoughts & opinions, but in the end it is always their choice to make.

 

The worst though are the games we play with people with whom we are romantically involved.

We try so hard to protect ourselves emotionally that we hide what we are really feeling.

I personally have my own issues with this.

If I am really interested in someone of the opposite sex I tend to hold back alot, call it a self-protection thing, but I wait to see how much the other person will open up. Part of it is being hurt in the past & wanting to not have that happen again. Part of it is just my own nature of thinking everything through in my mind before sharing it.

The other factor is how tongue tied I can get around someone I am really into.

The funniest things can & do come out of my mouth in spite of what I mean to say...it is like someone else takes over my brain for the moment.

Heaven forbid we talk about feelings or any such thing while naked as I feel exposed in every sense of the word. I so wish I was one of those people who was able to be more free with my words, emotions and body.

I second guess most of these in my relationships with men.

To be honest I don't always think of myself as a good catch romantically

(I make an amazing friend, but I kind of suck at the romantic relationships)

As like most women I am always hardest on myself, wondering what this

 good looking man sees in me?  

or

 I should have gone to the gym more since we last went out!

So often I wish I knew what was going in their heads, but if I am not able to share why on earth should I expect them to do so?

I miss the days of college where I had guy friends to ask questions of when I was feeling unsure in these areas. It was amazing to get the male perspective from time to time.

Now, I have to muddle through on my own and hope I am doing (or saying) the right thing.

 

My new goal is to try to hold back less, try to say what I want and hope for the best.

What do you think?

 

 



did it!

 

Survived my mudrun

To be honest I am still amazed at myself for finishing, even though I walked most it,

I did the whole thing! There where some challenging parts of the course & it is as much a mental push as a physical one.

It would I am sure be ever so much easier if I wasn't carrying around this extra weight!

I saw some pictures that I will use as motivation to keep losing...like the one below.

now let me saw I am SO proud of myself for attempting & completing this endeavor...I proved to myself that I had the strength both mentally & physically to finish this sort of race.

This pic above leaves me with mixed feelings however.

On one hand it was one of the obstacles I was dreading & I totally pushed through my fear of heights & climbed the heck out of that thing!

(hence the hi five my bestie is getting ready to give me)

then there is seeing a backside view of my whole body with clothes clinging to any & all of my extra weight. That is just not a pretty look to me.

There is one after I fell crossing the finish line that is just about the most unflattering angle & pose a person could be in already, never mind be covered in mud that makes me cringe!

 

 

But then I think...so what?

I put myself out there, I did it.

The goal is next year

(oh yes we are doing this again!)

that I will look and perform better!

So, I am going to celebrate even the pics I hate like the couple above as this whole experience made me:

 stronger

more motivated

and more accepting of my own flaws

AND my STRENGTHS!

 

the bottom line is the experience was the best time I have ever had with my best friend

and I can't wait to do it all over again next year!

Who in?



checking in...

Have been quite bad about checking in and keeping my inner fire going on this journey.

So, here goes...have not lost anymore weight...have not done any training for my upcoming run.

in other words I am at a standstill.

looking for some motivation in my daily life, but am focusing on the fact that I have not gained back any weight.

That means I am not losing, but I am MAINTAINING!

Try to focus on the good and push myself harder on getting past this.



june gloom

So, I am settling into my new home quite nicely.
But I have been a bit down about a few things in my life and trying to push through it.
I love my new place, have amazing friends & family, great job and all that! I am just feeling a bit blue....this too shall pass...I have too much to be thankful for to be down for too long.

Just am waiting to be further along in my journey and also be settled into my new home.
That's all...


a bit about me...and why ?

So, the other day someone asked me why this blog had the name it did.

My intention on this blog was to chronicle my journey to becoming the person I want to be in all aspects of my life; health, weight, personal, financial....all of it.

It is a long journey and many small steps will eventually get me to where I want to be, thus the name!

I turned 40 last year and my intention was to go into this decade in a healthier manner.

To do this I have changed my diet by trying to eliminate gluten (though I do occasionally cheat)  limit my dairy & meat intake, while eating more healthy (less processed) food. Over the course of the past year I have lost 30 pounds. Looking to lose another 70 or so. It really scares me to say that I had a total of 100 pounds to lose, but I look at how over the last 15 years I gained weight slowly and never pushed myself hard enough to do something about it. Funny how it takes some minor thing sometimes to hit a breaking point. Mine was seeing how hard it was on other older people in my life who carried extra weight. I decided I didn't want to be them in 10 or 20 years.

I passed weights that I swore I never would and am happy to be passing them on the downward path.

In an effort to challenge myself I signed up for a 5K mud run on my birthday.

Now, I am working on "training" for this and hoping to be down another 20+ pounds at least by then.

In other aspects i moved into a new home which is cheaper than my previous thus enabling me to be able to pay off bills faster and build my saving back up.

On the personal front I am choosing to let go off the non-supportive people in my life and welcome new possibilities  ; )



settling in...

So, I have been in my new place for just about 3 weeks and finally feeling like I am getting settled. The front portion of my home looks amazing, just avoid the 2 bedrooms and it looks as if I have been here for years! Cozy and organized, just a perfect spot.

In so many ways this new place is an upgrade, off the street, upstairs, 2 bedrooms, a bigger kitchen....oh I could go on & on! Can you tell I am happy? I did enjoy my last place, it had neat features and the best bathtub ever! The kitchen though was tiny with an apartment size fridge & oven which made my love of cooking & baking a dream for my time there.

Went shopping at Trader Joe's and stocked up on all kinds of delish food and have already made more meals here in the past month than I did in the past 3 at the old spot.

Heavenly!

Now, off to do a bit of baking before work.



So, as part of my new "me" I am working my way through a "to do list"

not a bucket list, just an encouragement for me to try some of the things I see out in the world that look fun or challenging....and might not otherwise attempt.

On the top of this list is doing a mud run or obstacle race.

I have seen other friends do them and they look like a blast!

I found one in Southern CA that fell on my actual birthday and put it out to my FB friends to see who would step up with me.

My bestie said it sounded fun and immediately signed both of us up for it.

Now, I am in the process of training myself for it.

The length of the race is a mere 5K (3.37 miles)

however the fact that you do it thru mud adds weight to your clothing and makes it more of a challenge.

They recommend that you wear as little clothing as you feel comfy in and should be form fitting.

Thus my need to kick start my diet and workout regimen once more.

I did hit my first goal (30 pounds)

...go me. Now, I am focusing on my next goal of 35. I broke my goals down into 3 steps...a total of 100 pounds and I will do a big ole happy dance when I hit that "ideal" number!

when is it too much?

So, I tend to over think and over plan in most aspects of my life.

Trying to learn to just let it all flow, but there is a bit too much of the Virgo/Libra

 aspect in me...I just like the order, organization & such.

Currently I am in the process of moving from a large one bedroom to a small 2 bedroom.

This means I have roughly the same amount of square footage, but divided into smaller spaces. I am measuring all my furniture trying to see what will fit where & just how to make this work. A friend saw my lists of measurements & laughed. So, how to you plan your new spaces people? Do you just place items and move them until you are happy or do you "plan it out" like me and measure & do a diagram?

I will say that even with doing the planning I often change things around once I am in and living with my items...but I like to have some idea of what is going to work in the space. For one thing I would rather get rid of any furniture that is not going to fit so it doesn't have to be moved twice!

I am excited for the new space to nest into. My main reason for moving is price, it is cheaper than my current home and closer to my job in addition (woot woot)

My new landlord is putting in new flooring in the kitchen and bathroom which is so lovely, plus there is hardwood floors in both bedrooms & the living space. Windows on all 4 sides for fabulous cross breeze which is nice as it is an upstairs apt which can be hot as heck in the summer!

Bonus in getting a Pottery Barn black iron chandelier in my new living space along with a new stove in the kitchen. I am hating the packing and dreading the upstairs to upstairs move,but I am ready for this new chapter!

it's my life...so why do I care what YOU think?

I just finished reading an interesting book,

the amazing adventures of dietgirl

by Shauna Reid

www.dietgirl.org

It is written by an Australian woman who made a choice to lose weight and started blogging about it.

At her heaviest she was 351 pounds and the book covers 7 years, 175 pounds and a lifetime of personal body issue struggles.

I read this at a point in my own personal journey that really made me smile and also appreciate her efforts. While my starting point was a pit stop on her journey it is still quite similar to my journey that I am on.

I have never put a number out there.

Part of it is shame, I hate the large number (to me, maybe not to others) that was my highest weight.

Mostly it is that this is for the most part a personal journey.

I am the one that is going through this, others may help through words and support, but the work comes down to me in the end.

I am now choosing to look at the positive things I have achieved so far.

I have lost 31 pounds in the past year, dropping down 2 sizes.

More importantly though I have become a person who looks upon this as a health issue rather than looking just at numbers. It is not just about the weight, the inches, the size...it is about being able to take a hike and not being out of breath.

It is about looking forward to Zumba or BodyCombat.

 Or craving fruit rather than a donut.

It is funny how each time we can gain weight we say this is the highest number I will ever see.

This one is my breaking point and then we go past it...

...and then we do.

I have a magnet on my fridge that says

"My goal weight is what my fat weight used to be"

I used to laugh at that, but my current weight is what I used to call my fat weight a couple years ago!

This is the first time I am putting this in writing for others to see, but that 31 pounds I have lost is only about 25% of what I would like to lose. If I were to try and get down to my ultimate goal I would need to lose a total of 120 pounds.

That is a whole person and it sounds so scary to say I have that much to lose.

I personally would be happy to be within a 20 pound range of my goal, but I still set a low number to try and reach.

I am trying to let go of thinking about what others think, but it is not easy in this society in which we all judge each other so easily.

I am blessed with some very supportive friends and family.

They love me no matter how I look, but they are all telling me that can see me changing into a better me through this.

As one of my sweet friends told me lately that I am gorgeous inside & out.

I liked the compliment, come on who doesn't like those?
I am trying hard to take those lovely words I get from those around me and take them as they are given, in the spirit of love & support.

Now, getting back to the book, one of my favorite things is how she was talking about working out and being the largest in the room.

I have recently gotten a renewed enthusiasm for my gym after a break of a couple months.

This week I took 2 BodyFlow classes, which is a mix of yoga, pilates & tai chi.

Sounds easy right?

Um, not so much.

You see when you are carrying extra weight it makes it harder to do some of those yoga poses.

There is ways to adapt them to be easier which I do and work towards being able to do them in the manner which the teacher & rest of the class do. I look on it as I am there and trying.

I try not to get wrapped up in being the big girl in the room, but not going to lie, it can be tough.
I am sure I am thinking about it much more than any of them are.

I love my yoga, it gives me peace and a sense of strength.

I do look at how easy it comes to some of the others within the class and hate that I am working so much harder to do the same moves.

then I stop and say to myself....girl you are HERE, you are TRYING!

GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT ALREADY!
So, here is my positive words to myself for today...
YOU CAN DO IT!
NOW, GET OFF THE COUCH AND GO TO THE GYM!!!!

Footnote,

this picture is from a hike last month and right when my friend went to take the pic I talked...thus it turning out like this. Honestly it makes me laugh as I look almost disgusted with it all which is far from what I was feeling. I am trying to include some pictures along my journey so we can all see how far I am going...so above is now...and below is from June of 2009. Can you see that 30 pounds that are gone? I sure can!

 

ahhh

Had a fabulous mini vacay down south seeing my friends & family!

Got quality time with my bestie, say some old friends and ate all kinds of treats not in my usual diet these days!

Came back refreshed and ready to tackle my move.

I sometimes think these small local moves are worse as you can spread it out over a bit of time with lots of small trips. On the plus side my friend AKS is coming from out of town to help me organize and move my small stuff before the boys do my big furniture pieces on the weekend.

Now to sit back and enjoy my only day off for the week.

when you stumble, simply get up and start again

So, I have been exceptionally stressed with things going on both in my life and within the lives of my dear friends of late. This has made my routine become quite askew...and not always for the better.

My insomnia has come back with a vengeance and I am lucky to get 5 hours of sleep a night usually falling between 1-6am. Let me tell you there is a lack of quality late night programming considering all the dang channels I have on my TV!

I probably exercised too much last week and not enough this week, though my number on the scale has gone down. I think that has to do more with my lack of appetite in the past few days than anything else, but I am happy to break through the plateau I had been on for the past couple of months. If that is what it takes than OK, I will take it and move forward!

I have a light at the end of my tunnel though in the 4 days off from work I have coming up the first week in April. I get to go see my bestie DK and my mom for a couple of days down south.

I am trying to remember we all go through these tough times and all the ones in the past have made me stronger and a better person in some way, no matter how small.

I am making time for my friends more of a priority as I notice I have a tendency to withdrawal when I am going through things like this....and really this is when you need your friends the most!
I am blessed with great people in my life, both near & far who are there to help me back up as I stumble. Thank you my friends, I do so love you!

touching lives every day

This Sunday I went a memorial paddle out for a friend of the family from our beach side community. It was amazing to see so many people come out to celebrate his life & support the family.

Well, there were tears for many of us, I also saw many smiles and heard fabulous stories.

It made me realize just how much we touch one another's lives each day.

We get so wrapped up in our own struggles and daily lives we forget how much of an influence we can be on others.

I can only hope to leave a legacy of love, friendship and wisdom for those I will will leave behind. 

My goal in life has always been to be as happy as I can be and try to let the rest fall into place.

So, here is to living a good life and making the world a better place for being in it....xoxox

getting out...

I am lucky enough to live in one of the most beautiful areas of CA. I of course have absolutely no bias when I state this fact, but look at these pictures and try to disagree with me? 

A lovely hike on a local mountain on a sunny day gave some interesting shadows to this tree filled spot. I recently bought a book on trails within my county and am working my way through them slowly, dragging any friends I can along with me.

On the same hike looking out over my city and taking a moment to appreciate how blessed we are.

I love getting out to enjoy the nature, plus having time to gab with a friend almost makes it feel as if it is not a workout!

A few days later I went to one of my happy spots along the coast for a hike with another friend.

I had heard we were going to get some rain and thought I should get out and enjoy the sun before it went away. There are countless trails at this spot so we just parked near one we had yet to try and just walked towards the water. It ended at the ocean with a great bench to sit and relax upon.

So, on this day I got a workout in walking the sandy dune trail and got to soothe my soul by visiting the ocean and gossiping with my friend along the way.

sadness and loss

Thursday evening I was playing around on FB when I came across a post from a local friend about a family friend. He didn't come straight out and say he had died, but said he would be missed and loved always which gave me the thought he had. The person in question had sadly been in ICU for the past 3 weeks or so due to an infection he got while having open heart surgery. He is a friend of my dad's and a huge part of my life in our beach side community. I played with his daughter at their house growing up, attended many a birthday celebration and BBQ with them over the course of the last 30 years.

He was a generous spirit filled with laughter and love for those around him.He enjoyed fishing, surfing and Mexico. I hurt for all that his family has gone through in the past months of his being ill & hospitalized and wish them healing for the times to come.

To his whole family I extend all the love and support I can.

I did get confirmation the next day that he had indeed lost his battle. I will attend whatever services there are for him to celebrate the man he was and the live he led as he touched many in his 50+ years of life.

building word of mouth

So, last year I started up a small side business making decorative jewelry frames and re-purposing furniture. See an example of a custom piece below which is one of my faves. The fabric is actually a childs hand embroidered dress that my dad picked up for me in Mexico to go with this fun vintage Mexican made frame which got some old drawer pulls in brass & green glass for hanging items along the bottom.

I have been working on spreading some word of mouth by starting both Etsy.com & Facebook.com pages, now I joined Pinterest.com and thought why not use that too!

I try to "upcycle" as often as possible using frames and fabric that are looking for purpose. I do love a good vintage frame though so my shopping for material & frames takes place from antique/vintage stores to the local thrift store with a yard or estate sale here & there.

I was SO busy over the months of October- December that I got a little burnt out and have not done much in the past couple of months. My Etsy.com page (Etsy.com/BellaAvila) doesn't even have a single listing at the moment. I will say that I have sold more through my FB (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Bella-Avila-Design/233809599967900)  page & word of mouth than the Etsy site so I am not feeling super bad to have a nothing posted at the moment.

I am starting work on some new frames this week and am back to being excited about them once more. Sometimes I think you need to take a step back to appreciate and enjoy what you do.

I posted a few of my fave custom & created orders below, all of which have sold (yippeee)

This is the sweetest vintage silver frame with a cream cotton inset which I paired with a vintage cream crochet & tan velvet fabrics.

This was a custom order for a friend who found this amazing frame while we were antique shopping locally. I had this fun serape like fabric and the knobs at the base were from an old nightstand I re-furbished. She & I both adored how it turned out!

This was one I sold during the holidays and I have more of this fun flower embroidered fabric for future projects. My friend bought it for her niece & I think it is just so sweet & happy.

The funny thing I didn't set out to create any kind of a business, I just made one for myself....then a friend liked it & asked for me to make one and it spread from there. I love having someone enjoy the finished product and knowing that I created soemthing both pretty & practical.

back in the saddle again...

As of this week I am back on my hardcore workout regime.
Up until a couple months ago I was working out 3-5 times a week...then the holidays happened, had a minor injury, my friend needed me to be there for support and honestly I just flat out slacked off!

My reason for this push to jump back on my routine is that I am at the point (after being seriously single for a while) where I am ready for a relationship. I have made very little effort to get out into the dating pool of late and a few recent experiences reminded me of how much I did miss all of it. Some people might find this funny, but I find that I am better about my exercise when I think a member of the opposite sex is going to be seeing me naked on a regular basis. If it were a fling I might not care as much...you might never see them again and all. Not that I have ever been very good at that casual sex thing. My one & only 1 night stand turned into a fling...and my fling turned into a relationship, LOL.

Yeah, I am that girl...and it's not really a big moral issue (though that does play into it) it is more of an attachment thing. I tend to be drawn to people I actually do want to spend more time with, thus feelings start...blah, blah, blah.

There are times I wish I could channel my IS

 (inner slut as my friend AS calls it)

like some of my more "free spirit" friends. However that is a whole other topic to blog about  (haha)

So, Monday I did a 40 minute yoga workout as a mellow start to the week.

Tuesday I did 30 mins of yoga, followed by 30 mins of the Wii Biggest Loser Challenge (BLC) boxing fitness routine and as a reward for doing those I did 20 mins of Zumba and got my sweaty groove on. Maybe it is that it is dance based, but Zumba just feels more like fun to me than a workout. Don't get me wrong it certainly is one, but I treat it more like a reward...if I do my strength training & such I "reward" myself with a fun workout like Zumba or a hike with friends. Makes me have some balance and enjoyment out of the workout process!

 Today I did yoga & my BLC along with a hike.

I am taking a cue from another blog I read and putting $5 into a jar for each hour I workout.
(got $20  already from the past 3 days~wow)

This way I get a reward both physically & financially from my commitment.

I'll keep you updated on how that works for me!

a love letter to my friends...

I just don't think we take enough time to tell those in our lives just how very important they are to us.

So, this is me taking a moment to pen a lil love note to some of the most special people in my life.

First off let me say I am truly blessed with some amazing girlfriends. Most of us have one "best" friend. I am lucky enough to have 3 of them...along with some just flat out amazing friends on top of that! 

We met at different stages of life, been through lots of events; both good & bad and I see us being a part of each others lives for decades to come.

I am going to start with my girl DK, who I am known since we were in the 5th grade. We have so much dirt on each other that it is in our best interest to stay friends, but I am not worried about that!

We hit a rough spot a couple years back where due to issues she was going thru we didn't talk for about 6 months. We pushed through all of the emotions to come out of it on the other side even stronger for it.

This is the girl who was there for most of my firsts~ kisses, boyfriends, driving, etc. I had to attend my first funeral the weekend of my 18th birthday. DK didn't know the girl well, it had been a classmate of mine, but she came and sat next to me at the service. Holding my hand and being my driver as I was so overwhelmed with emotion I couldn't do the little things. She knows when to make me laugh or when to make me cry. Blessed with a fabulous spirit she makes me feel better often just by getting to have a phone chat. Sadly we no longer live minutes away, but hours and hours. We live for the times we can get together and have conversations both serious & silly.

She is on my short list of people I know who would drop everything and come be by my side if I needed it and I love her for that.

My girl D is a friend I made in college. Funny enough I was friends with her boyfriend first, yet when they split she & I stayed close. Yet another dear friend who sadly lives miles & miles away, but we cherish our phone chats & the once a year visits. She can be trusted to give me a fresh perspective on a situation and be blunt as only a dear friend can be. She pulls no punches & I adore this about her!

D is my go-to person for relationship advice as she just seems to get the male/female dynamic so much better than I think I ever will. She is fearless in all the best ways. In the past few years she found the best man for her, settled down and created a beautiful little boy who I adore who calls me Auntie Christmas....isn't that the cutest?

My girl AKS is just my rock. I count on her to tell me the absolute truth about anything & everything. When I first met her I thought we would never be friends and 2 decades later she is part of the people I can't imagine not being in my life. She builds me up in so many ways I don't even think she realizes. I am a stronger better person for her being in my life. At the moment she is going through some major life changes and I can only hope to be able to support her as much as she has for me in the past.

In addition to my 3 besties I am also blessed with some just fabulous friends.

SBell is one of the funniest & most honest girls I have been blessed to meet in recent years. We met in a funny way through people that neither of us have actively in our lives anymore, but thank goodness they introduced us! In my time of living in my little shangri-la beach town she was my girlie sanity in a group of guys. We would do sip & bitch nights on my porch & vent about our lives. Watch Heroes & the Oscar's together while drinking champers and enjoying delish sushi. I hate that she moved away, but am so proud of what she has accomplished!

Then there is my A, whose wedding celebration was my fave party of the year last year. She drove me to the doctor when I had to get my biopsy done. She makes me laugh and loves wine as much if not more than I do! She is like family as her hubby is one of my brother's best friends and I am proud to have her be.

There are even more friends I have made in the past couple years through work and mutual friends that I hope in the years to come will become as dear to me as these ladies.

All of these girls are the family of my heart...I choose to have them in my life and am honored to call each of them my friends! Life is good, I am blessed and I love you girls!!!

more re-purposes for storage in small homes

So, I posted my pic of my friend AKS's cute window "treatment" on my latest addiction (Pinterest.com) and promptly had about 10 people re-pin it in minutes, which was both kind of strange & cool!

Since her idea seemed so popular I thought I would share some of the things I did around my smallish space to use my square footage in the most effective manner for me. I live in an apt. which is bigger in floor space than my old house, but with much less storage. Thus when I moved in I found ways which worked for me to get all my stuff in and look good also : )

A small bookcase in my bathroom now stores all my paper goods needed for that room along with my makeup and hair accessories. Also in the bathroom I put my vintage glass jars to work holding hair clips, Q-tips, band aids & cotton balls amongst other things.

In my kitchen I turned a World Market bookcase into a pantry/microwave stand as my cupboard space was barely enough for my dish & cookware. For that one a simple tension rod and curtain hides it all and adds a pop of color to my space.

I re-purposed a dresser that once belonged to my grandma as a TV stand and DVD/art supply storage.

There are so many creative things & ways to make your space work for you and if any of these give anyone an idea which utilizes their space even better than I am happy to have shared!

small space style

so, my sweet friend AKS just moved into a tiny, but adorable one bedroom cottage in the suburban jungle that is Los Angeles. She had to be quite creative with storage as there is not much square footage. The picture above is how she used all of her scarves as a window treatment...isn't that fun?

It puts them at easy access when needed, a splash of color & gives her privacy.

I super dig it!

Just have to give her props for a fun idea.

I thought I was clever with some of my own ideas, but she came up with a couple of fun ones. She also used some large glass jars with sea glass lids as storage for all

 of her belts

(sadly I forgot to get a pic of that!)

She like me has her DVD's and CD's inside of a drawer of a dresser, where they can be easily accessed, but not seen on a daily basis.

hi big world

So, here it is 5am and I can't sleep. I have some minor insomnia issues from time to time and guess this week is one of them! I had a fab week and so I am not sleepless over anything stressful thank goodness.

However I do find my mind working overtime due to planning for fun trips ahead and running past adventures in my mind. Looking forward to a trip to So Cal next month as my bestie DK will be out from the wilds of Montana for a few days.

I went south to see my sweet friend AKS last week. We had some great talks as we settled her into her new house. It is funny how you can be friends with someone for years and still learn new things about them. We got to talking about sex & relationships...maybe as she is just ending a long term one and thus this sort of thing was on our minds. Plus I am sure that bottle of champers we had helped the convo along too! I am about as single as a girl can be so it is interesting to talk to someone who spent the last 2 decades in a relationship while I was out in the crazy dating world.

The thing that amazed me is how we both have such low views of ourselves in the way of romantic relationships. I know I am an amazing friend, as I am blessed with amazing friends.

 ( I SO love my girls who will be mentioned quite a lot within this blog in entries to come!)

To be honest though when it comes to man/woman relationships I kind of suck.

I have been in love 2 times, once as a teen and once in my 20's. Both were great guys in their own way, but in the end just not great for me. I have had my handful of bf's in the past 20+ years of dating. but I still feel like I am missing something.

I am waiting for that relationship where I can truly be myself & the fab man I end up with loves that about me...all my flaws & quirks would be acceptable to him.

Of course I would have to take all of his quirks & flaws also...that kind of goes without saying, right?

I wish we could see ourselves as others do. I think my girl AKS is gorgeous inside & out. She has the biggest, most generous spirit of almost anyone I have ever met...plus she is pretty. Sadly she doesn't feel it as she didn't get that sort of recognition from her partner. We all need to feel we are beautiful. We all need to have someone tell us we are...

 beautiful

sexy

loved

appreciated

So, I am making it my new goal to tell those in my life exactly that.

Even bigger than that I am going to try and believe it of myself!

Wish me luck and take a moment to compliment someone you love today!